Love Always Means You Say You're Sorry

I don't pay for Cable TV. We have an antenna on our roof and I surf on about seven channels. One channel I get is called RETRO. I seldom watch it but one day I was lazy, it was raining outside and I ended up on this old movie channel. I began to watch an old movie I had seen many years ago called Love Story. It's a real tear jerker so I made sure my wife didn't know what I was doing downstairs in our TV room. I hate to have her see me cry. One of the classic lines in the movie was Allie McGraw saying to Ryan O'Neil, "Ollie, love means you never have to say your sorry." Wow, if only that were true.

Roi Lene and I have been married for 40 years and we are just now learning how to offer a sincere apology that diffuses anger, heals hurt and overcomes misunderstanding. Here's what we've learned about making a sincere apology:

First, when we apologize, we try to be clear about what we're sorry for. Just to say, "Sorry" doesn't seem to be that affective or adequate. I am learning to say, "I'm sorry and this is specifically what I'm sorry for".

Second, I am learning not to say, "I'm sorry YOU...." I have been known to say, "I'm sorry YOU feel this way....." "I'm sorry you didn't understand me..." I'm sorry you took what I said that way...." A sincere apology is not offered for what the offended has done but for what the offender has done. In other words, I can't apologize for her (their) feelings but for what I did to offend them.

I am trying not to say, "I'm sorry BUT...." "I'm sorry but I'm just having a bad day". "I'm sorry but I'm tired and hungry." This is not an apology but a sneaky way of making an excuse.

A sincere apology is not, "I'm sorry IF you're sorry." My apology cannot be dependent on the other's willingness or unwillingness to say they are sorry.

My hope is that when I offend or hurt, I can offer a sincere apology, much like the times I ask God to forgive me. I am learning to say "I'm sorry because......", taking ownership of what I have done, realizing the degree I have hurt the one I care about and seeking restoration in relationship.

The truth is, love demands that we say we are sorry.