Love Always Means You Say You're Sorry

I don't pay for Cable TV. We have an antenna on our roof and I surf on about seven channels. One channel I get is called RETRO. I seldom watch it but one day I was lazy, it was raining outside and I ended up on this old movie channel. I began to watch an old movie I had seen many years ago called Love Story. It's a real tear jerker so I made sure my wife didn't know what I was doing downstairs in our TV room. I hate to have her see me cry. One of the classic lines in the movie was Allie McGraw saying to Ryan O'Neil, "Ollie, love means you never have to say your sorry." Wow, if only that were true.

Roi Lene and I have been married for 40 years and we are just now learning how to offer a sincere apology that diffuses anger, heals hurt and overcomes misunderstanding. Here's what we've learned about making a sincere apology:

First, when we apologize, we try to be clear about what we're sorry for. Just to say, "Sorry" doesn't seem to be that affective or adequate. I am learning to say, "I'm sorry and this is specifically what I'm sorry for".

Second, I am learning not to say, "I'm sorry YOU...." I have been known to say, "I'm sorry YOU feel this way....." "I'm sorry you didn't understand me..." I'm sorry you took what I said that way...." A sincere apology is not offered for what the offended has done but for what the offender has done. In other words, I can't apologize for her (their) feelings but for what I did to offend them.

I am trying not to say, "I'm sorry BUT...." "I'm sorry but I'm just having a bad day". "I'm sorry but I'm tired and hungry." This is not an apology but a sneaky way of making an excuse.

A sincere apology is not, "I'm sorry IF you're sorry." My apology cannot be dependent on the other's willingness or unwillingness to say they are sorry.

My hope is that when I offend or hurt, I can offer a sincere apology, much like the times I ask God to forgive me. I am learning to say "I'm sorry because......", taking ownership of what I have done, realizing the degree I have hurt the one I care about and seeking restoration in relationship.

The truth is, love demands that we say we are sorry.

Restoration Requires Dismanteling

A week ago, I took a day and visited my younger brother. Dave is two years younger than I and a publisher of a newspaper in Albia, Iowa. It had been a long time since we spent quality time together. I attended church with him, visited his adult Sunday School Class. After church we had a great lunch in a little country diner and told stories about our childhood. We walked out to his pasture behind his house and shot clay pigeons with his shot guns. We saddled up his horses that I had recently given him and rode these two newly broke horses for an hour or so. My butt was sore but it was a blast.

The highlight of my trip was going over to the neighbor's house whose name was Rocky to look at a restoration project. He was restoring his 1951 Chevy Business Coup. What a car! It was made of steal, not plastic, gunboat gray with chrome everywhere. Everything was original. The steering wheel was made of mother of pearl. The dash was polished steal. It was spectacular for a 60 year old car.

There was only one problem with this car. It was laying in Rocky's garage in about 50,000 pieces. And each piece was being meticulously cleaned, shined and lubricated. Seals were being replaced, rust spots were being patched and painted. It was a mess but it was beautiful, at least if you had some imagination. Rocky hoped to have it on the road by spring of 2012. He invited me to come down at that time and take a ride. I'm sure it will be a SWEET RIDE!

Today, in my devotional, I was reading in 2 Corinthians and this is what Paul said as he closes this letter. 2 Cor. 13:11-14 Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you. ¹² Greet one another with a holy kiss. All the saints greet you. The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.

Do you know that if you aim for restoration in your life, restoration in your relationships, in your marriage, in your finances, in your physical health; it may require some dismantlement. You may find yourself laying on the floor in a bazillion pieces. And it may be a while that you feel like you're ready for a cruise.

But if you aim for restoration and aim to help others in their restoration, God in his great love and wisdom will put you back together. Only the parts of your life that were once dirty, rusty and worn will be cleaned, lubricated and repaired.

Oh, you won't be perfect, just beautiful. Someone worthy of a Holy kiss.

The Advancing Kingdom

Since going on this sabbatical, I have had time to think about what my wife and I saw in God's heart that brought us to this place to plant and lead what has become by God's grace a wonderful church family. I know that "vision statements" are the vogue these days. These simple, short sentences that define a preferred future can become very helpful in keeping organizations on track. John Wimber, the founder of the Vineyard Church movement used to say, "Stay focused on the main and the plain!"

So what is the "main and plain" for the Heartland Vineyard Church? What is our vision? What do we see that keeps us firmly planted in the will of God and moving toward His purposes?

I find the Biblical word "Kingdom" as something that carries a beautiful picture, a vision of what I personally want to be involved in all my life and lead others toward. Jesus' central message was the Kingdom of God. He never taught without mentioning the Kingdom of God. His parables were stories describing the Kingdom of God. Jesus didn't just talk about the Kingdom of God. He demonstrated the Kingdom of God by the power of the Holy Spirit. Demons would leave oppressed people and Jesus would call that the Kingdom of God. Broken, hurting people would be healed of all sorts of maladies and Jesus would call that the advancing Kingdom of God. Compassion and mercy would fall upon people lying in gutters of sin and be lifted into the fullness of their created purpose and Jesus would call that the Kingdom of God.

The Apostle Paul in Romans defined the Kingdom of God as "righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit". The Kingdom of God is not a future reality we love forward to some day called heaven. Though heaven is a part of the Kingdom of God. The Kingdom of God is a present reality when God's loving and holy ambitions for His people are fully realized.

The Kingdom of God is when God's original and blessed intent for men and women, boys and girls are established and people find themselves living an abundant life. The Kingdom is when God is ruling and reigning. When a husband and wife find loving and harmonious union as they follow Christ's leadership, children experiencing the affection of their dads and moms because Jesus Christ is the King of that home, this is the Kingdom of God. When defeated, desperate people are led by God's loving Holy Spirit out of the bondage of addiction to live productive and generous lives, the sick healed and people are lifted from depression and fear into joy and peace, this is the Kingdom of God. When people reconcile through the power of forgiveness, anger absolved, criticism silenced and encouragement and affirmation expressed, this is the Kingdom.

Ultimately, when people realize the immense love God has for them and they accept the gift of life through Jesus and His sacrificial death on the cross and begin to walk with God in real and life giving relationship, the Kingdom of God has come.

When I hear the word "Kingdom", I picture everything that is wrong in this world being made right. And as a member of God's church, He will use me and he will use you to advance His Kingdom. Jesus said, "The Kingdom is forcefully advancing and the violent take it by force".

What is the vision that drives me as a Christian? What is the vision that drives the church? It is a vision of advancing the Kingdom of God by the power of the Holy Spirit.

The Beauty in Suffering

This is the first blog I’ve written since going on my Sabbatical. I will attempt to do a post each week to update our friends on our time of seeking God for healing and refreshment.

To start our time of restoration, we decided to drive our pick-up truck to a cabin that has been graciously loaned to us by our dear friends Tri and Nancy Robinson. Tri is the Senior Pastor of the Boise, Idaho Vineyard and the cabin he and Nancy have built is near Cascade, Idaho in the isolation of the tall pine mountains. We felt that solitude would be an important starting place for my sabbatical and this cabin will definitely afford us some seclusion. Our little home away from home is powered by a generator and is off the grid in terms of TV, cell phone and internet connection.

Roi Lene and I left on our journey en-route to Idaho on Monday, June 6th. We chose to take the northern route on I-90, which took us through the Bad Lands in South Dakota. We took a little detour to see Mt. Rushmore and enjoyed the awesome beauty of that country.

Traveling through northern Wyoming placed us at the eastern entrance of Yellowstone National Park. Our original plan was to spend a day looking at the sights in Yellowstone but quickly realized that to take in the sights of a two million acre park was going to be impossible in one day. Actually, it would take months to take in the spectacular features of Yellowstone.

We communicated with the Robinsons that we would be arriving in Idaho a few days later than expected. We were not prepared to camp so we proceeded to purchase a blow-up mattress and two sleeping bags. For two nights we bedded down in the back of our pick-up truck. There we bunked beside three RV busses each worth about a half million dollars. If you can picture Roi Lene and I in our Chevy pick-up, zipping ourselves into our sleeping bags and watching episodes of Seinfeld and Little House on the Prairie on my Mac computer with string cheese, wheat thins and beef jerky as snacks for our evenings.

Both nights the temperatures fell to 25 degrees. Believe it or not, with the massive snowfall they have received in the northwest, some of the snowdrifts that remain on the ground in Yellowstone are well over six feet high. Needless to say, the nights were a bit chilly. I am blessed to have a wife that is up for adventure.

Of course, at age 59, I would have to get up in the middle of the night, winch myself out of the pick-up, put on my flip-flops and do all I could do to miss the piles of snow as I made my way to the public restroom facility about 100 years from our camp sight. I would always take my cell phone with me in case on the way to relieve my bladder I was mauled by a grizzly bear. I’m not sure what a cell phone would have done for me in that event.

The dawn would awaken us and the discomfort of the night would be swallowed up by the magnificence of gorgeous water falls, geysers, majestic snow capped mountains, buffalo, bear, elk and moose living their lives in the wild.

I can’t say that my back was all that excited to lie back down in the bed of our pick-up but the anticipation of the Grand Tetons, Devils Tower, Old Faithful and all the other sights that were in front of us made the discomfort worth it all.

The Bible tells us that suffering is that way for a follower of Jesus. Paul writes in Romans 8; “these momentary, light afflictions are not worthy to be compared with the glory that will be revealed in us”. He goes on to say in the same chapter that God is causing everything is working together for our good.

When we as followers of Jesus go through hard times, discomfort and pain, how much are we anticipating the “good” that is coming toward us? There is beauty in suffering. Are you living with dread or anticipation?

A Sabbatical

Twenty three years ago, my family and I began to pioneer the Heartland Vineyard Church. It’s been an exciting journey and you’ve been an important part of that journey. We’ve seen the church grow in size, scope and influence. People have been radically transformed by the powerful presence of the Holy Spirit.

We’ve also shared in the pain that comes with a life committed to Christ. As kingdom people, we should never forget that we’re in a war. A real and deadly battle is taking place right now all around us. We all know someone who has either been wounded or lost in this battle. Yet, we are here, fighting for the cause of Christ. At times we get tired and need to rest and sometimes we get wounded and we need to heal.

I’ve been in full-time ministry half my life. Those 30 years went by quickly. For the past two years, I’ve been experiencing physical symptoms that I didn’t understand. I knew I was getting older but I was experiencing things like headaches, body aches, insomnia, appetite changes and worst of all debilitating fatigue. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome was the diagnosis given by the physicians at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN after days of testing.

Shortly after going to Mayo Clinic, I was given a book by a friend entitled “Leading on Empty”. It’s a wonderful book that every Christian leader, young and old should read. It’s the story of Wayne Cordeiro, pastor of New Hope Church in Hawaii, a mega-church of over 14,000 members. After 20 years of serving his church, he found himself exhausted and unable to continue in ministry. In this book, he describes his healing and restoration.

This book helped me realize that my condition might be less physical and more connected with my emotions. We’re all wired differently (Psalms 139) and I happen to be wired with expressive emotions. Sometimes that wiring works for me and sometimes it works against me. Given that so much of my work requires much emotional output; counseling, funerals, weddings, preaching, caring for hurting people and leading our church into God’s call, I see now that I had become emotionally fatigued to the point that it had begun to affect me physically.

As Roi Lene and I prayed about this, we felt we needed to take another step. We opened ourselves up to extensive emotional and psychological testing. After going through a battery of tests at Campion, Barrows and Associates in Champaign, Illinois, clinical therapists sat down with us and explained our condition. Their conclusion was that I had hit a wall emotionally. Roi Lene had also hit a wall in trying to care for me. This wall was like a marathon runner hitting a wall physically at about mile twenty. I had gone too long, working out of my strength and passion without real rest. Growing up on a farm taught me many things. Something I didn’t learn was how to rest. I had done the best I knew how taking care of our church but I had failed to take care of myself.

The Christian therapists were extraordinarily professional and helpful. They advised me toward a treatment that I believe will lead me to total health and an ability to lead our church into the next decade. However, the most important component of the treatment will temporarily affect our church.

I still remember that day when I sat with the therapist and he said, “Dan, for you a sabbatical leave is not optional. You must disconnect from your duties as pastor for a season so that your soul can be healed.” I was mortified. But after praying with my wife, visiting with our family, our Staff, our Small Group and our Board of Directors, I know I must take some time to heal. The therapist said, “If you do what we ask, you will not be as good as new, you will be better than ever.”

Our Board of Directors has graciously given me the opportunity with their blessing and support to take a five month sabbatical beginning the second week of May. I have worked for weeks to formulate a plan to heal. I have met with our Staff, our Board and a team of Regional Pastors including Happy Leman, our Regional Overseer. These wise counselors have been of great help to us. This sabbatical is not a glorified vacation. This is a time that I am investing in myself and my wife so we can be the pastors this church needs and deserves. We have been blessed with a wonderful and capable staff and a committed leadership. Therefore, I am confident that our church is in good hands.

Roi Lene and I will not be attending our church for these five months. We will likely visit churches outside our city and this will afford us the opportunity to attend church as “Christians” and not as pastors. I will not be responding to email. Vickie Minard, my trusted assistant will be handling my email. I will not be personally responding to email or voice mail beginning May 11^th and continuing through September.

Much of our time will be spent at home. Therefore, if we see you in town, we will look forward to visiting with you and receiving and giving hugs. However, we will not be open to discuss church related or personal needs issues for this time during our sabbatical. I must discipline myself to disconnect from pastoral duties. Our pastors will be in the office as usual and so if you have needs, please don’t hesitate to call our church office.

Be assured that Roi Lene and my relationship with each other as husband and wife is as good as it has ever been. We deeply love each other and are not experiencing any marital crisis. Our relationship with Jesus is strong and vibrant. We have never been surer of our call to the ministry. We want to finish strong.

People might wonder, “Did Dan fall into some sinful behavior?” The only sin involved in this situation is my inability to recognize how much a loving God would want to rest His shepherds. God is fine-tuning my understanding of His love and I am grateful for these lessons, as painful as they might be.

We are asking you, our church family, to make this investment into our lives for these five months by doing the following. 1. Pray for us. 2. Continue in faithfulness to meeting together at church and in your Small Groups. 3. Continue in your faithful giving and service to Jesus knowing that you can never out-give a loving and generous servant King.

I will be sending Heartland Vineyard Church a monthly update on our progress during our sabbatical leave. I know that this time to disconnect from our duties as your pastor is necessary but we will deeply miss all of you.

There is much to do in the coming decade for our church. The Kingdom of God must be advanced by the power of the Holy Spirit. I want to make certain that I can lead our church with 100% of my heart and vigor.

I have never been more convinced that God prophetically birthed this church. He is building His church so the gates of hell will not prevail. He’s completely committed to each and every one of us, promising to never leave or forsake us. He has a magnificent plan.

Take the Son

I love stories. This one is worth reading.

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art. When war broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son. About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands. He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art. The young man held out his package. "I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this." The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift." The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected. The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection. On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. "We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?" There was silence. Then a voice in the back of the room shouted. "We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one." But the auctioneer persisted. "Will someone bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?" Another voice shouted angrily. "We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!" But still the auctioneer continued. "The son! The son! Who'll take the son?" Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could afford. "We have $10, who will bid $20?" "Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters." "$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?" The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections. The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!" A man sitting on the second row shouted. "Now let's get on with the collection!" The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction is over." "What about the paintings?" "I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned here today. And whoever buys that one painting will inherit the entire estate, including all the other paintings. The man who takes the son gets everything!"

Amazing

This past Monday, I saw something that reminded me that God is amazing.

My wife and I showed up at our church cafe' to help serve a prime rib meal to a group of single mom's who where living in a woman's shelter. Two business guys and their wives who attend our church felt Jesus leading them to hold a monthly meal for these dear ladies and their children. This event is truly a God thing. I'm so proud of these families who have gone out of their way to provide an exquisite meal for these dear people who are experiencing great difficulty.

When we arrived at the church, the cafe' was abuzz with activity. A meal was being prepared for about 30 to 40 people. The prime rib smelled awesome. I asked how we could help. Jake Huff, one of the guys who leads this meal told me that he wanted us to go out and sit down and just chat with these women. That sounded simple.

At first, I walked around not knowing how to engage in conversation. I felt like an idiot. Finally, I sat down with four women and began to ask them questions. The conversation was forced and uncomfortable at first but then things began to loosen up. One young woman explained to me that she had to be assisted into the building because she had a condition that required chemo-therapy. In the process of receiving chemo, her hip sockets had degenerated and she was now facing a double hip replacement at the age of twenty. I asked, "Can we pray for you?" She said, "No". She realized I was startled by her response and then said, "Well, at least not here."

As we continued our conversation, the love of God began to fall on me. She told me that the day before, a friend of hers had spoken to her and said, "God's going to get you!" She explained to me that she was terrified of what that meant. She indicated that she probably deserved everything that was happening in her life. Without thinking, I stood up and said, "I know what that means." I reached out to her, drew her head to my chest and held her. She is younger than my own children and I felt deep compassion for her. I could feel her weeping. I explained to her that God loved her deeply and was not angry with her.

After they had finished eating, I asked her again, "Can we pray for you?" This time it was a very quick "Yes". I asked a friend to help her to a soft chair. She was barely able to walk as she hobbled to a little corner of the cafe'. She had left her crutches at the woman's shelter. She need so much help.

Once she was seated, a group of people from our church surrounded her and asked if they could place their hands on her. (I am so proud of my church) She agreed and we began to pray. We prayed for what seemed like about five minutes, calling on our God to show His mercy and power. I asked, "Is there anything happening?" She said, "I don't know." I assured her that it OK and we wanted her to be honest with us. We continued to pray and after another few minutes I asked her again, "Are you experiencing anything?" She moved her left leg and suddenly tears began to stream down her face. She was not making a sound but it was as if her eyes had sprung a leak. I have never seen so many tears. She said, "It feels better." Our faith was now strengthened.

We took another few minutes and prayed, asking God to demonstrate his love and mercy, commanding the body to come in line with His will. Again, we stopped and I said, "How's it going?" Before she could answer, someone in the group said, "Maybe you should stand up." She winced expecting great pain and then rose to her feet as easily as a normal twenty year old. Her first words were, "Oh my gosh!" She raised up on her tip toes and again said, "Oh my gosh!" More tears as she lifted each of her knees as if marching....."Oh my gosh!" Suddenly, I heard myself whisper to myself, "Oh my gosh!" She walked around the cafe' with a big smile. Her friends were visibly stirred by what had happened.

I have seen God heal before but this was dramatic. God's love had penetrated a broken, fearful heart and brought the gift of healing to his young woman. That night, two things happened to me. First, I fell in love with my God all over again. Second, I am re-enlisting in the mission to equip an army of fully devoted disciples of Jesus who extend God's Kingdom by the power of the Holy Spirit.